Romantic Agreements or Bust Top Must Have in PTSD or Trauma influenced Relationships.PNG


Living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) means you’re often distracted. You can’t live with two feet firmly in the present moment when you’re managing anxiety, flashbacks, and intense emotions! Malignant narcissists love this, because you’re susceptible to the unnecessary chaos they thrive on - and make no mistake, without taking proper protective and precautionary measures, they’ll take advantage of you, every time.

Written Agreements are everything

Every commitment we make involves an investment of time, that you could be using to actualize your success. This includes romantic relationships. Ideally, our romantic relationships just jive with our business, and it all becomes one whole gorgeous successful life - but this life cannot be built without the solid structure of agreements. First within yourself, then with others - especially anybody you interact with falling into the malignant narcissist category.

Agreements annihilate the last thing you have time or energy for, when you’re healing from PTSD: crazymaking chaos.They also safeguard you from the most crazymaking personality type of all, who will toy with you, even trigger you on purpose, because they feed on the drama of your reactions. 

In fact, the fastest route I’ve found to find out if a romantic interest subconsciously needs and wants such crazymaking, is to ask them to sign some agreements!

Think about it. Anyone who truly loves you would consider your reasons for wanting healthy, vitality-inducing agreements, and support your healing in every way possible. 

Even if they (secretly) thought it ridiculous, what’s the harm in signing one, if it helps you, and they know they’re capable, responsible, reliable adults who will hold up their end of what you’ve already agreed to verbally, anyway? If their attitude is stricter than this, watch out….

For example, years ago I had a boyfriend who said “just because you said it is so, doesn’t mean it is” - he said this after we had already made verbal agreements, every time I explained why I was reminding him to do the thing (his share of chores, pay his share of the bills … you know, adulting), was because we had agreements in place, and that I trusted him to keep his end of the agreement.

Despite the toll the chaos of agreement-less living took on me, he refused to write down or sign anything!. I even explained how we can sometimes forget, so it was a great reference point to look back on, but there was no reasoning with him. All I was invited to do, was drive myself crazy in the infamous narcissistic web that internet articles in droves warn people to steer clear of. They love chaos, distracted people, and confused people, because it allows them to carry on behaving any way they please. In fact, the thing you want - orderly peaceful calm - is precisely what drives them crazy!

Needless to say, being in that kind of relationship worsens, not improves PTSD. Hundreds of thousands of women are right now fighting men like this tooth and nail, though, expending all their energy and fully exhausitng themselves every time, which means they’ll be living with symptoms of PTSD longer than they have to.

Not to mention suffering the often severe consequences of crazy-making such as financial ruin as your business completely deteriorates (because you can’t function properly in the madness), isolation from friends and family when you have to spend all your energy on the chaos at home, and the development of physical and mental health issues like depression, anxiety disorders, heart disease, fibromyalgia, acid reflux, even cancer.

Everything outside agreements is chaos

Some people not only LOVE living in chaos, they need to.

When you’re healing from an incidence of chaos (trauma), this wreaks havoc on you more than anyone. It’s vital then to understand that, much like your businesses, that trying to make a relationship thrive that has no previously agreed-upon SOP (standard operating procedure) is like trying to steer a ship with no navigation system.  

What’s the point? Are you trying to sabotage your healing? It’s a recipe for disaster - and yes, your partner may love that disaster-ridden life, but you don’t have to. 

And if s/he does, then you had better get protective of your health and be prepared for stress like you’ve never known it before (you’re already living with stress from past trauma, since your brain can’t tell the difference between “then and now” so this is added on top of that stress you’re already struggling with via PTSD), because things are about to spiral downhill in the fight of your life, taking your well being, supportive loving relationships (who don’t know what to do to help over time, and want to stay away from the madness to protect themselves) and your business down with it.

The basis of Healthy Agreements 

Structure is healthy. As children we need structure in life to feel safe, in the form of routines, regular meal, nap and story times. It gives us the foundation we need to feel secure in life. A place to blossom and bloom from.

An agreement is when two or more adults voluntarily outlining terms to thrive in. It’s the only sane way.

I have found that living with other people requires healthy agreeements that consider each person’s needs and what needs doing in the home, to get things done, and accompish the mutual goals of everyone living in the home.

The basis of every agreement is respect. For your own needs, and the needs of others.

Healthy agreements are clearly stated and respectfully outline consequences for breaking them. This is not meant to be authoritarian! 

On the contrary, understanding and agreeing to outcomes for not following through on commitments is what keeps healthy agreements in tact. 

Otherwise, people would just stop abiding by them, when they’ve had a hard day, or, depending on the personaity type, when they don’t “feel like it.”

(can you smell the rot-inducing chaos there?)

Writing agreements down is best

Particularly if you’re dealing with narcissists, writing down agreements, with signatures by both parties, is key.

If they are high on narcissism scale, having a couples counsellor or mediator can make a difference.

And if they refuse to sign, get your running shoes on and run for the hills, toward your health and freedom.

Require this of you both or leave the relationship, because in personal relationships, if s/he’s not even willing to acknowledge their narcissism and get necessary assistance for it, you’re asking for a life of worsened PTSD, more trauma, chaos, and destruction in every area of your life.

Remember: do not enter any long term connection - not even romance - without agreements.

Make agreements. Write them down. Keep your word by holding yourself to everything you agreed to. Hold them to it, too. Be willing and prepared to leave if they don’t.

It’s the only sane way.

XOXO Success Coach Gina 

P.S. Ready to join other empowered women in a safe, supportive online community environment, where you’ll receive 1:1 mentoring from me for everything “money after trauma” related, in a group setting? BOSSES IN PAJAMAS is now open! Click here now to read more and become a member.

Gina Silvestri